Sadness And Sorrow

Don't tell me I don't have a reason to be this unhappy and I should open my eyes and look around me. That only proves what you know about me, that you can't imagine what I see through my eyes and what's happening inside my head.

Ah, depression hit me again. Just because i accidentally listened sad music -.- I´m pathetic i know. And i´m sorry for even being here. I should be somewhere else, far away from everyone. To keep my thoughts on myself. Never open up to anyone. Just disappear. I´ve been thinking about disappearing just for sudden. Close up my phone or just dodge everyone. But aside from that, i don´t want to be alone, because when i´m alone, all the thoughts of mine comes crashing back and i´ll break under them. But if i´d disappear, i could be free, free from the chains of this sorrowful life, just be. Though i wouldn´t be able to handle being alone for long, so i would disappear from the whole world. Because handling to be alone, to think about everything, i couldn´t. That would be it.
I have low self-esteem and i´m always jealous of everyone, i look up to everyone because i feel like i´m down. I´m the one always failing and screwing things...

I don´t want you to tell me "Everything will be fine" Because it wont. You only see me from outside. You don´t know how i feel inside. Because even if i feel pain, i´ll smile. It´s my protection. Everyone thinks that if that person smiles, she´s/he´s okay. Wrong. I´ll smile because i want to hide myself, my true emotions. Of course i smile for real sometimes too, but i don´t have many moments in my life anymore to smile for real. And the laughter of mine, i don´t know if it´s even real.
Sometimes after i smile, i know that it´s not happiness when i feel like crying after the smile. You might see it sometimes but sometimes i just cover it up with another smile or look somewhere else.
I can´t speak about my problems because it feels terrible even when i think about speaking with someone. And then i feel that they´re going to judge me. And ask me too many things, and i´m not able to answer. I´m always crying  when i speak about it. My chest hurts, my head may spin, i feel sick... I don´t even know for sure where this is all coming from. But i´m thinking it started from stress. Then it got only worse...

Once again, i´m sorry

Put a gun to my head and,
Paint the walls

And i´m about to lose my one and only true friend from school, i know i might look like a little kid to be sad about losing a friend who might be moving to the other place but i would be really sad... Because i really don´t talk with the others from my class, because it´s hard...i don´t know. I´m shy and is hard for me to make new friends. I´ve lost so many friends by moving around when i was a kid and always got sad about it. Maybe it left some mark on me.